真的喜欢你（１５，完）

严勋其实早就醒了，但他不愿意承认。他象掩耳盗铃的人一样，紧闭眼睛不愿起床。他想无休止地回忆昨天晚上的甜蜜和悲伤。但是很无奈的，他的思绪变得越来越现实，自制力不由分说地回到他身上。他叹了一口气，爬起来。自己是怎么睡到床上来的都不记得了，只记得不停的说话和紧紧的拥抱，深深的疲倦却异常的亢奋。

他冲了一个澡，换上干净衣服走出来。如他所料，齐尚仪在客厅。她神清气爽，姿态放松地坐在转椅里，翻着一本书。听见他出来，她转过脸来看着他，表情愉快地一笑。

严勋却觉得心情沉重。他问：“你说我们现在怎么办？”

齐尚仪顽皮地挑起眉毛：“再来一次？”

严勋觉得自己要发疯了。这个不可理喻的女人！她的脑子是怎么想问题的？！

齐尚仪看他着急了，又说：“我是悉听尊便。你无论想怎样我都奉陪。满意了吧？”

严勋还是不满意。他觉得齐尚仪这样的洒脱无所谓有两种可能。一种是把自己当作任何一个人，随便玩玩；另一种是把自己当作最特殊独一无二的那个人，毫无保留。似乎两种情况都不是自己所希望的。而且，她究竟是哪种想法呢？

他微微眯起眼睛打量齐尚仪。她的表情不可捉摸。他有些伤感地想，她是这样亲近，又这样陌生。如果是十二年以前，她的每一个想法他都能知道，可是现在，他一点把握都没有。

他终于下了狠心，说：“昨天是我不好，没有能控制住自己。我看我们不应该再见面了。你觉得可以吗？”

齐尚仪轻轻的“啊”了一声，仿佛有些吃惊，但是也点了点头。严勋有些惋惜。如果早上十年，或者晚上十年，也许事情会有不同的发展，但是现在，他别无选择。他必须要忠于自己。

齐尚仪拿起自己的包，打开门走了出去。房门在她背后轻轻地锁上。严勋忽然觉得要永远失去她是这样的不可忍受，不可想象。他拉开门，看见齐尚仪正在十米开外等电梯。她站得笔直，头骄傲地昂着。

严勋大声叫道：“齐尚仪！”

齐尚仪回过头来，亮晶晶的眼睛看着他。他十分慌乱，但仍然大声地说：“我是真的喜欢你！”

齐尚仪笑了。她抬起右手，用食指轻轻地叩击了两下自己的太阳穴，象是说：“了解。”然后她就消失在电梯门后。

严勋回到屋里，背靠着门用力深呼吸。他觉得自己刚刚做了一辈子最不冷静的一件事。

（全文完）

真的喜欢你（１４）

不知过了多久，齐尚仪突然推开椅子站起来。她伸手取下严勋手里的杯子，抓住他的手把他也拉起来。严勋恍恍惚惚，只觉得穿了高跟鞋的齐尚仪和自己几乎一样高，还有，她的手真是温暖有力。

她拉着他穿过大堂，一路走到电梯间，进了一架电梯。“几楼？”他不由自主地按亮了自己楼层的按钮。

像梦游一样，他们牵着手走到了他的房间门口。严勋掏出房卡打开房门，看见清冷的月光从窗口射进来，落在客厅的地上，令人心酸。他没有开灯。他有点庆幸自己住的是一个套间，不至于一开门就看见一张床。他觉得那样...不够严肃。

齐尚仪跟在他身后。严勋将房门完全打开，用背抵住，试图作最后一次的挣扎。

“如果你现在回去，我们就当什么也没有发生过...”

齐尚仪无声地笑了。她上前一步，柔软饱满的身体将严勋紧紧挤在门上，手臂死死箍住他的腰，下巴贴着他的颈侧，暧昧而又无辜地对他耳语：“那现在...还能不能当什么也没有发生过？”她吐出的气息吹动了他的头发。

严勋彻底崩溃了。投降吧，投降就可以得到快乐。不用思考，只要信任。抛弃所有的顾虑，让直觉引导自己。

他也用力拥抱住齐尚仪，带着她倒在月光里。房门轻轻，但是坚决地锁上了。一切都已不可挽回。

他们疯狂地纠缠，贪婪地索取。他们在一起感觉是这样的美好，是什么使他们彼此分离了这么久？他们气急败坏地要求得到补偿。快感混合着忧伤，狂喜夹杂着绝望。

严勋突然想起小时候在家乡，夏天闷热的傍晚下起大暴雨。他和邻居的小伙伴们都只穿小裤衩，跑到雨中尽情地跳啊叫啊。大颗大颗的雨点打在皮肤上，既火辣辣又清凉。雨水流进眼睛，需要不停地抹掉。雨声是那么的震耳，淹没了他们的声音也淹没了他们的思想。他们明明是在一起玩，可是连互相说句话都困难。他一闭上眼睛，就觉得茫茫的天地间只有自己一个人，他觉得无比的...孤独。

真的喜欢你（１３）

从周日到周五是五天。五天有一百二十个小时。一百二十个小时里严勋最多睡了二十个小时。他翻来覆去地想，齐尚仪要对自己说什么呢？一定是一两句话说不完的东西。一定是只能私下里说的东西。可是她为什么要把时间定在五天以后呢？难道她工作真的这么忙吗？难道她不知道这对自己是多大的折磨吗？难道她故意多留些时间，好让两个人都考虑周详？他烦躁地在房间里踱步，犹豫着要不要去。按照他一贯对自己的要求，他清楚地知道是不应该去的，但一个小声音在心里反复说：“可是这是齐尚仪呀”。尤其是当他掏出那张小纸条来再次端详的时候，那流畅的笔迹催眠了他，将他带回多年以前拥挤嘈杂的宿舍里。那时他对这笔迹十二万分的信任。不用去想，不用去理解，只要一个字一个字照抄下来就会有好结果。他简直想哭。如果一切事情都象这么简单就好了。

他的决定就象赌场里坏掉的老虎机，拼命地转，永远也停不下来。到了周五晚上八点，他惊奇地发现自己坐在了楼下的咖啡店里，却几乎不知道是怎么来的。他失魂落魄，不点咖啡，却问服务员有没有酒精类饮料，答案居然是有。他要了一杯。

很快齐尚仪也到了。她穿着一件薄毛衣，及膝的裙子，高跟鞋，显得容光焕发。严勋觉得自己有点憎恨她。她凭什么这么冷静？

齐尚仪在他对面坐下来，笑嘻嘻地说：“上次人多不好说话，我还没问你呢，过得怎么样？”

严勋把胸脯一挺，自豪地说：“那还用问？过得好得很！”他掰着指头一样一样地数起来：“房子——车子——票子——妻子——孩子”他看见齐尚仪脸上的笑容凝固住，心中觉得有一丝得意，又把小手指头放开：“还没有。五样里面有了四样，也够不错了吧？”他们一起笑了，气氛不知不觉松懈下来。

服务员端来一杯酒：“先生，您的白兰地。”齐尚仪奇怪地看了一眼严勋：“你什么时候变得能喝酒了？”严勋一下子想起了自己来之前的种种挣扎，觉得心乱如麻，抓起酒来一饮而尽，低头盯着手里的空杯子，闷闷地说：“壮胆。”

他们都不说话了。过了一会儿，他抬起眼睛，看见齐尚仪静静地瞧着他，眼光里满是怜惜。他无法和她对视，又垂下眼皮，轻轻转动杯子，还能感觉到她的目光温柔地抚摸他。他想如果时间能够永远停留在这一刻，该是多么好啊。

真的喜欢你（１２）

第二天去吃饭的路上稍微有点堵车，他们迟到了十五分钟。杨头订的是一个有两张大圆桌的挺豪华的包间，带洗手间的那种。他们一进门，大家哄的一声都围上来，和严勋握手的握手，拥抱的拥抱。亲热得不得了。

严勋一边和大家寒暄着，一边用目光搜寻着齐尚仪的身影。同学们好多都带了家属来，因此屋里的女性还不少。严勋扫视了一遍竟然没有认出齐尚仪，心里没来由的一阵恐慌。十年生死两茫茫？纵使相逢应不识？这也太夸张了吧？！惊疑不定。

这时候大家纷纷归座，一边说：“坐下说，坐下说。”严勋这才发现两张桌子，左面一张有三个空位子，右面一张有两个空位子。齐尚仪还没到。他总算松了一口气。

杨头脱下外套，就往左边那桌走，却被张悦一把拽住：“嗳，这边。”把他往另一张桌子拉。杨头还有点呆呆的不明所以，张悦皱起眉头对他使了个眼色，他才乖乖过去坐下。严勋尴尬得要死。这个张悦！这么多同学看着呢！他只好坐到左边的桌子去了。

门又一响，齐尚仪和一个男人进来了。她样子基本上没变，满面春风地走在前头，笑着说：“不好意思，公司里有点事耽搁了，这资本家剥削起人来就是狠呐！”她走到严勋身边，顺手把自己的外衣搭在严勋旁边的那个椅子背上，自己进了洗手间。

严勋探过身去，越过齐尚仪的空椅子，和她的男朋友握了握手，彼此自我介绍了一下。他注意到自己的名字并没有引起任何反应，心里有点高兴。看来齐尚仪和自己一样，也把瘢痕藏得很牢呢。不过再转念一想，又觉得那点事儿算啥呀，说不定人家早把你给忘了，自己还是别犯傻了。

还在胡思乱想，齐尚仪回来了，在严勋右边坐下来。严勋立刻感到了她身上散发出来的一种场。久违了的那种又甜蜜又紧张的感觉一下子在心头涌起。他曾经设想过和齐尚仪重逢的场景，以为或许可以象和岳琪那样，大大方方地作一个了结，现在才知道自己错的有多厉害。他心里七上八下的，开始计算：如果她还在乎我，一定坐在我旁边；如果她不在乎我，有二分之一的可能性坐在我旁边；现在已知她坐在了我旁边，那么她在乎我的概率是多少？算来算去才发现还少一个已知条件，什么结论也没有。

吃到一半，齐尚仪转过头来，对严勋笑着说：“你回来的时间正好啊。”严勋扬起眉毛，表示不明白。齐尚仪解释说：“你不是呆一年吗？刚好你爸你妈的六十大寿你都能陪他们过了，他们肯定很高兴啊。”见严勋没搭话，她又关切地说：“怎么？他们身体还好吧？”严勋这才回过神来，连忙答应：“好。好。”她又随口问： “对了，你现在住哪儿呀？”严勋说：“公司给我订的，嘉里中心，过两周我看看能不能租一套公寓去。”她说：“噢，那里我挺熟的，大堂里的那个咖啡店还挺正宗的。”

严勋这下是彻底的迷惑了。她为什么把自己父母的生日记得这么清楚？又为什么要让自己知道？为什么还能若无其事地和自己闲聊？人家说女人心海底针，看来真是一点也没错。他决定放弃猜测，专心吃饭。

聚会接近尾声，齐尚仪又拎着小包去了一趟洗手间。回来时她把自己的餐巾碰掉在地下，弯腰去捡。严勋正和左边坐的同学说话，没有注意她，忽然觉得自己鞋边被人轻轻的一拉，一样东西塞进了鞋袜之间。他觉得耳边轰的一声，一阵热血冲到头上，心跳快了至少一半。他想，幸好自己喝酒上脸，大家应该没有注意到。抽个空子他也去了洗手间，把门锁试了又试，偷偷摸摸的好像在作贼。

那样东西是一张折叠起来的小纸条。展开来，熟悉的令他目眩神迷的漂亮字迹写着：“周五晚上八点咖啡店见。”

真的喜欢你（１１）

严勋的飞机抵达北京的时候，是一个春天的星期六下午。杨头和张悦夫妇来机场迎接。本来严勋说自己打辆的去酒店很方便，不用麻烦他们了，可是他们一再坚持，说是一片心意，严勋也就不好说什么了。

杨头的车是一辆奔驰。张悦体贴地坐到后座上去了，让严勋在前面“好好看看北京”。严勋就果然好好地，贪婪地坐直了身体张望。

北京，唉，北京！严勋觉得心里涨满了一种微妙难言的情绪。在这里读书的五年，严勋从来没有真正喜欢过北京。他觉得他的世界，只不过是这座城市西北角上的一小块土地罢了。离开北京的时候，严勋还是一个意气风发的少年，他的心里充满的是梦想，根本容不下一点点的感伤。连手也不曾挥一挥，他就转身而去。现在，十年多过去了，这还是严勋大学毕业后第一次回来。北京象一个多年以前的点头之交一样，再次重逢突然显得无比的亲切。就连他以前最讨厌的大风和黄沙，也让他觉得美妙。严勋感慨地想，自己是有点老啦。

到了杨头家里，张悦立马挽起袖子，给严勋下了一碗炸酱面。严勋大大咧咧地坐在沙发上，尝了一口就说：“好吃！比你原来的水平可长进大发了啊！”

本来是一句玩笑话，屋里的气氛却凝重起来。三个人大概都想起了当年那无忧无虑，一起做饭的日子。冰箱突然开始制冷，嗡嗡的声音好像在吟唱着：“那～可是一段～好～时光～哪～”

还是张悦打破了沉默，犹豫地说：“...尚仪和我还经常联系。她一直没结婚，老说找不到合适的，男朋友谈一个吹一个。现在这个好像也没多久，我也没见过...”她突然想到了什么，语调轻快起来：“其实严勋，我还是觉得你们俩最合适。不如你去把她抢回来算了。反正你现在也回到北京了，你们没有任何问题了！”

严勋简直被她说得哭笑不得。“同学！拜托你了！我都是结了婚的人了！你让我做这种事，你想想你要是Jenny的朋友，还不得把我杀了？”

“废话！事实是我是尚仪和你的朋友，我当然只帮着你们，只考虑你们的幸福。你那个什么Jenny，我既没见过，也不在乎，她对我来说根本就不存在，我干嘛要管她的死活？”她气愤地把手一挥。

杨头一看不妙，赶紧出来打圆场：“好了好了，严勋刚刚回来，你就要和他吵架呀？”

张悦还觉得意犹未尽地说道：“朋友是拿来干什么用的？朋友就是无论你做了什么大逆不道的事情，还是理解你支持你的人！严勋，我看你是在国外呆得太久了！你变得有些...不真实了！”

严勋只好苦笑了。他觉得张悦的话，说不准还真有点道理，可他不知道怎么回答。杨头手忙脚乱，拿其他话打岔过去，等严勋吃完就把他送到酒店，说明天自己会来接他去参加聚餐，让他好好休息。

真的喜欢你（１０）

这时候严勋恍然大悟，明白自己为什么不喜欢那些女孩了。自己已经成长，再也没有人能够替代齐尚仪和岳琪在自己生命中扮演的角色，他总会不知不觉地拿她们来和眼前的人作比较。还有，成长过程中受过的伤，愈合之后留下瘢痕，这些瘢痕是最最私人的东西。他想把它们隐藏起来，自己想欣赏的时候欣赏，想忘记的时候忘记。而那些和自己“经历相仿”的女孩子们，也许曾经是别人的齐尚仪或者岳琪。她们连想也不用想，就能知道自己的秘密在哪里，是什么。他叹了一口气。他不习惯和别人分享自己的内心想法。她们使他害怕。

从此他再也不接受别人的介绍了。他想，如果真的还有人适合自己，一定会被自己遇见的，不用着急。

一个冬天的晚上，他加班到深夜，回家的路上想到家里牛奶喝光了，就顺路去了一家二十四小时营业的商店。那里他喝的那种牌子的牛奶只剩一桶了，他比一个女孩子早一步拿到它，又让给她。缘分就是这么奇怪。他就这样认识了未来的妻子，Jenny卢。

“我叫卢海音。”她这样说，并且一笔一划地写给他看。她的字迹幼稚而笨拙，像小学生的字。这也难怪，她是读三年级的时候跟父母到美国来的，中文说起来流畅，写起来就颇费力气。她读完了大学又接着读医学院，现在在作实习医生，忙得要死。

虽说忙得要死，严勋每次约她出来，她都会高兴地答应。她是一个乐观爱笑的人，眼神很单纯，好像从来没有受过伤害。她的事业心很强，好奇心不大，这些都是女人身上少有的珍贵品质。她使他觉得安全。这样的女孩子不容错过。过了几个月，他向她求了婚。她欣然答应了。严勋其实想不通她为什么答应得这么爽快。难道她也是一个有瘢痕的疲倦的人，因此渴望婚姻的温暖？他没有问。己所不欲，勿施于人。

婚后的日子甜蜜了一阵子，渐渐的归于平淡。两个人都忙。现在公司派严勋回北京工作一年，Jenny也没有怨言。她绝对是一个支持严勋事业的好妻子。

想到这里，严勋忽然感到有些内疚。就是回家之前，在公司几个同事为自己开的送别宴会上，严勋多喝了几杯。一个中国人同事老李，过来挤眉弄眼地对他说：“严勋，这回回去可不要浪费机会哦。现在国内的年轻女孩子，一个比一个漂亮！而且极其available！”严勋随口说：“要是我真爱我老婆，才不会搭理他们呢。”说完就觉得有点语病。老李酒劲也上来了，抓住不放地问：“什么叫‘要是’？你到底是不是真爱你老婆？”严勋急了，说：“It's too personal!”说完两个人都沉默了。情急的时候往外蹦洋文，是严勋一直以来的毛病。可象这次这样暴露了内心的想法，还是第一次。自己爱不爱妻子呢？她没有问过，自己没有说过，甚至没有想过，现在看来潜意识里面是早有了定论了。严勋觉得一阵悲哀。为妻子也为自己。他抽完最后一支烟，进屋里去了。

真的喜欢你（９）

岳琪走了，严勋的生活又过得飞快起来。他工作得很努力，也颇有成绩。他觉得自己已经完全从失去齐尚仪的打击中恢复过来，又成为一个完整的，健康的人了。至于这应该感谢岳琪，还是时间，他也说不清。

博士快毕业的时候，严勋去湾区参加一个学术会议。一天会后，他去附近的一个Mall里闲逛。他身上的那条牛仔裤已经旧的不成样子了，趁此机会买上一条。出了店门，他在匆匆而过的人流缝隙中，看见了岳琪。

岳琪侧面对着他，站在一张硕大的平面示意图前面，正在努力寻找不知哪一家店子。她一头短发，微微扬着头，嘴唇略微张开，像是一个好学的小学生。严勋觉得心里一阵温柔的欢喜。怎么说呢？就像宇航员在太空中飘荡了许久，一眼看见那颗蔚蓝色的叫地球的行星一样。他轻轻绕到岳琪的背后去，清了清嗓子，说：“May I help you with something?”

岳琪一边转身一边说：“Yeah, where is...啊，你怎么会在这里？！”她也喜悦的笑了。

他们找了一个地方一起吃晚饭，席间相谈甚欢，就像两个病友出院后，又在马路上偶遇时一样的热络。吃完饭后他们愉快地道别。严勋回到旅馆，躺在床上的时候满意地想，这样的分别还差不多，上次那样算什么样子，然后他就沉沉地睡着了。

博士毕业之后，严勋去了东部的一个研究所，后来又跳槽去了一家公司。他一直没有遇到新的女孩子，也似乎习惯了这样一个人的生活。亲朋好友们热心地给他介绍了好些个“门当户对，经历相仿”的对象，他倒也听从安排，老老实实地去见面吃饭，可就是回来之后，总是说不合适。媒人们很着急，连连追问“不合适在哪里，她有什么不好？”严勋也诚恳地想回答，可就是说不出来，她们有什么不好？

直到有一天，严勋去见了不知是第六个还是第七个女孩，照例觉得不行。他回到家里，打开热水，洗一个淋浴。洗着洗着，严勋有点走神，当他回过神来的时候，清清楚楚地听见自己说：“既不如齐尚仪，又不如岳琪。”

真的喜欢你（８）

一年半过得飞快，岳琪拿到了硕士学位。这是一九九八年，互联网的黄金时代正好开始。大大小小的公司求贤若渴，争先恐后地用豪华轿车拉着她去面试，她很快就有了好几个offer，其中以湾区的A公司最为诱人。他们给她寄来精美的礼物，催她快做决定。

她有一天晚饭的时候过来，和严勋商量这件事。她说：“我在想，其实B公司也不错，虽然工资低点，工作应该也轻松一些。而且离这里只有二十迈。”严勋有点警觉，没有答话。她只好接着说：“这样我们还能像现在这样——”，严勋冷静地打断她的话说：“那是不可能的。”

她看了他一眼，吸了一口气又说：“你大概知道我是结过婚的，不过...没什么实质。”岳琪自嘲似的笑了一下，“我准备在OPT生效之前回国一趟，把离婚的事情办了...”

严勋觉得头也大了，他实在不习惯和岳琪进行这种严肃的谈话。但他又想，把话都说明了也好。“跟结婚离婚没什么关系。关键是——我并不爱你。”

岳琪慢慢地点了点头，像是病人接受了医生的宣判。严勋觉得自己的话太生硬，刚想再说点什么，她却抬起头来粲然一笑，说：“我就是想试一试，以后不会后悔。”她低头从包里拿出一本小本子，递给严勋。“有样东西我想给你看一看。那我先回去了。”

严勋本来不想看的，这有什么意义吗？可是晚上从实验室回来，他躺在床上却发现睡不着，就把小本子拿过来翻看。这看起来是岳琪的日记本，但很稀疏，不规则地大概一两周有一篇。

他首先注意的是岳琪的字。他意识到自从认识岳琪以来，还从来没有见过她的字迹。留学生的悲哀。岳琪的字是娟秀的，每一个单独看起来，间架结构不是特别合适，可是放在一起，显得还挺整齐美观。

每篇日记的主题都差不多，就是犹豫要不要和严勋分手。看起来，岳琪经受这种内心的折磨已经有一段时间了。最愤怒的一篇日记里写；“今天和Y在路上碰见Y的一个美国同学。Y把我介绍为‘a friend’，我满腔怒火。我真想上去说‘or more accurately, an ex-friend’，然后转身就走。可是我没有。我还面带微笑握手寒暄。我什么时候变成这么逆来顺受的一个人了？！”下面是一篇用英文写的绝交信，歪歪扭扭，几经涂改，义正词严，不卑不亢。还有一篇日记写：“今天和Y去看电影了。爱情片，我哭了。又想问Y是不是喜欢我，但还是不敢。我其实也怕他问我。”

严勋看完整本日记之后，知道自己和岳琪的肉体关系到此为止了。原来岳琪身体里偷偷地藏着一个灵魂，严勋的身体感到震惊，厌恶，排斥。

他去参加了岳琪的毕业典礼，为她全程录像。他帮她将行李打包，托运到加州。他开着车送她去机场。那时候的安检还不这么严，他一直陪她走到登机口。他们安静地站着，直到开始登机，最后一次登机。

岳琪说：“严勋，最后一个问题。”

“任何问题。”

“你究竟有没有喜欢过我？”

严勋看着岳琪，这个一进入他的生活就毫不留情地粗鲁地撕裂他的灵与肉，到将要离开他的生活时又小心翼翼地笨拙地企图把它们缝合起来的女人。他面无表情地说：“有。”

真的喜欢你（７）

其实严勋哪里想得清楚。他的脑子里乱糟糟的，全是齐尚仪的音容笑貌。有的时候，一些记忆的碎片从脑海深处浮出来，比如北京冬天铅灰色的天空，比如图书馆里挨着的两个座位，它们轻轻掠过他的胸口，锐利的断口一下子就使他鲜血直流，一种真切的疼痛像电流一样直通到手指尖。

岳琪常常来。严勋发现她其实挺聪明的，就是欠缺一些专业基础知识，赶上得还挺快。她问的问题渐渐少了，暗示性的举动却有增无减。既然严勋的大脑无暇考虑别的事情，它就把权力下放给小脑、脑干和脊髓。对，通俗地说，就是身体。

和大脑相比，身体考虑起问题来具有精度高，速度快，痛苦小，可重复性高的优点。身体喜欢感受其它身体的温暖，身体喜欢拥抱和被拥抱。身体对每一种输入都有确定的反应。在身体的思维里一切都简单明快。

十天以后，在一个许峥去看望妻子的周末，他们上了床。

关于这个有些人认为具有历史性意义的时刻，严勋的记忆十分模糊。他只记得自己隐隐约约地想，啊，原来所有的拘谨，畏缩，紧张，尴尬，都是大脑在作怪！脱离了它的控制，自己的身体是这样的舒展，灵活，挥洒自如，不知疲倦。带有一种动物的优雅。既不羞愧，也不感伤。

许峥回来的时候，严勋直截了当地把这件事告诉了他，没有过多的解释。许峥看了他一眼，意义不明地点了点头，就转身进了自己的房间。

岳琪一个星期来上两三次，他从来不去她那里。谁也没有提过要搬到一起的话。也许是由于双方的要求都很低的缘故，他们之间相处很融洽。后来严勋想用一句话概括他们一年半的关系的时候，第一个念头是“从来没有红过脸”。

真的喜欢你（６）

第二天早上，严勋是被许峥做早饭的声音弄醒的。他觉得精神不错，从睡袋里坐起来冲许峥打了个招呼。许峥一面洗碗，一面问：“怎么睡这儿？”严勋还没来得及回答，他的卧室门开了，岳琪袅袅婷婷地走出来，对他们点头笑笑，说：“麻烦你了严勋。许峥你好。我走了，赶时间。”

大门关上以后，许峥转过头来，讶异地看着严勋。

严勋耸耸肩膀：“昨天晚上我帮她调程序调得太晚了，她非要住在这儿。”他注意到许峥脸上欲言又止的表情，就说：“嗨，咱们是好哥们儿，有什么话就直说好了。”

许峥吞吞吐吐地说：“你应该心里有数，岳琪她需要的只不过是一个男人。你...”

严勋心里很感动，觉得许峥就象哥哥一样爱护自己，嘴上却故意说：“怎么？难道我不是个男人？”

许峥摇摇头说：“她要的是随便哪个男人都可以，你应该还没有自暴自弃到这种地步吧？”

严勋继续抬杠说：“这你怎么知道？”

许峥又犹豫了一下，终于说：“两个多星期以前吧，你去实验室了，岳琪一个人跑来了，坐了一阵，后来说要用用电脑，进了我的房间到处打量，说我的床很大，又问我为什么有两个枕头，最后还躺到了我床上...我坚持让她回去了。”

严勋这倒没有想到，吃了一惊，但一时严肃不起来，仍然嬉皮笑脸地问：“怎么你当时没有告诉我啊？”自己心里知道已经属于无理取闹了。人家凭什么要告诉你？

许峥叹了一口气，低下头去说：“我以为...她是真的喜欢我。”

严勋怎么也没有想到许峥会这样回答。他是彻底的呆住了。他从没想过，结了婚又和老婆那么恩爱，自己心目中的模范丈夫许峥，暗地里也会希望有人“真的喜欢”自己。他觉得自己是有点太幼稚了。那么，自己为什么那么乐意帮岳琪的忙呢？难道潜意识里也希望她是真的喜欢自己？

他沉吟了一会儿，整理了一下自己的思绪，爬出睡袋，走到许峥身边，拍拍他的肩膀，说：“许峥，好兄弟，我看你想跟我说的无非两件事情：第一，你没有动过岳琪；第二，我也不应该动她。我都知道了。你让我好好想一想。”

许峥认真地看了严勋一眼，点点头，说：“想清楚了。”

真的喜欢你（５）

接下来的一个月里，严勋沉默寡言，万念俱灰。抽烟的习惯就是那时候养成的。晚上他一个人坐在阳台上，可以抽掉整整一包。他有时候会有一种冲动，要收拾行李，买一张单程机票，不顾一切地冲回北京去找齐尚仪。但是他没有付诸行动。他知道自己骨子里不是那么浪漫的人，所以不能做那么浪漫的事。这点自知之明他还是有的。

同屋的许峥比严勋早来两年，已经结婚了，妻子在千里之外的俄亥俄州，他每过两三个礼拜就开车去看她。他是一个很成熟的人，平时和严勋关系很不错。这时候他大概感觉出发生了什么事情，事事都照顾着严勋一些。他有时候会做好香喷喷的饭菜招呼严勋来吃，严勋心里是感激的，但嘴上什么也说不出来，只是低头大嚼。米饭的热气冲在脸上，鼻子有点发堵。

许峥这人挺热心，朋友也不少，平时常常有人来他们这里吃饭打牌。以前严勋吃完饭就直奔实验室，跟他们都不熟，这些日子在家里呆的时间多了，倒也认识了不少人。其中有一个叫岳琪的女孩子，很爱说话，是自来熟的脾气，对严勋好像很感兴趣，老是找他聊天。严勋开始觉得没有心思，有一搭没一搭地应付着，后来发现嘴上说话的时候，心里就可以不想那么多事情，因此也摆出一副健谈的架势。诚然岳琪说的话并不是那么有趣，但是有个还算漂亮的女生肯和自己聊天，严勋觉得也“聊”胜于无。

说起岳琪，她在这里中国学生的圈子里还颇为有名，只可惜这名声不是什么好名声。她和严勋是同一年来美国的，本来在化学系。据说她出国之前就结了婚，可到了这里却很快的和系里的一个香港人，有妇之夫好上了。她丈夫也不是好惹的主，采取了文革贴大字报的手段，先是在他们母校的BBS上搞出了好几个十大话题，个个指名道姓；然后又从这里学校的网上目录上乱找Email地址，凡是见到化学系的和名字像中国人的，就给他们发一封中英文双语的声讨信，誓要将岳琪批倒批臭。本来他这种令人不齿的行径，倒让人对岳琪平添了一份同情，可惜中国学生的圈子是最八卦的，大家说到岳琪，都不免神色有些怪异。岳琪大概也知道，她在化学系呆不下去了，只好想方设法转到了严勋他们系。她别的朋友也不多，于是常常往许峥和严勋这里跑。

现在她来得更勤了，不光是为了和严勋聊天，她还有不少的课程作业要请教严勋。严勋并不嫌她烦，家里多了一个人，感觉多了点热气，也是好的。

有一天，她晚上十点多钟才来，急得什么似的，说是明天有一个大作业就要交了，可怎么调也调不出来。严勋把她让进屋里，自己开始调起来，到半夜才弄好。回头看看岳琪，已经倒在自己的床上睡着了。他推了推她，说：“小姐，弄好啦，回家吧。”岳琪醒了过来，迷迷糊糊地说：“我太困了，能在你这里住一晚吗？”

严勋觉得有些不合适，岳琪的宿舍也在这片小区里，走两分钟就到了，何必要住在这里呢？不过他自从和齐尚仪分手以后，性格也变得疏爽了一些，对很多东西都看开了，既然她坚持，他也就答应了。他找出一个睡袋，拖到客厅里，倒头便睡，比往常睡得都要香一些。

真的喜欢你（４）

严勋当时就呆住了。说实在的，这种事情他虽然也听说过不少，但是发生在自己身上，还是怎么也没想到的。他沉默了半分钟，小心翼翼地说：“为什么？”

齐尚仪说：“我喜欢上了别人。”

她的声音听起来平静而麻木，让严勋一下子想到了那些向神父忏悔罪行的人。他觉得嘴里发苦，费力的咽了一口唾沫，字斟句酌地问：“他是谁？你和他在一起，比和我在一起更开心么？”

“是我的一个同事，你不认识他。...我不想拿你们做任何比较。我和你在一起的时候真的很开心，你知道的。...可是，我们已经有一年多没见面了”，齐尚仪的声音渐渐地失去了冷静，她好像开始抽噎起来：“一年多了，严勋，我连你的样子都快要想不起来了，你让我怎么比较？我只想要一点实实在在，能抓得住的东西！”

严勋不知道说什么好。他陡然意识到，毕业后的这一年多来，他和齐尚仪不但空间上隔着半个地球，在对时间的感觉上也大有区别。他忙碌的学习生活，就好像一艘接近光速的宇宙飞船，载着他飞奔。分别的这一年多时间，用他的时钟来计算的话，也许只不过是几天，或者一个月。山中方一日，世上已千年。

电话那边，齐尚仪还在哭泣。他整理了一下自己的思绪，说：“我...还有机会吗？”

“有，但...也等于没有。如果你现在就回到北京，我会永远和你在一起的。可是严勋，我太了解你了，你绝对不会同意的！”

严勋认真考虑了一下。“你说的对。如果说以前我要出国，还多多少少是有些跟风的举动的话，这一年多来我意识到，这样作研究就是我想要的生活。...所以对不起，我没办法做到你的要求。那么...好吧。对不起。”

“说对不起的应该是我。”

“再见。”

齐尚仪没有说再见。她在哭泣中挂断了电话。

评论汇总

大家看贴不回帖，让我没有反馈，郁闷！情急之下，把有的人通过别的渠道发表的评论放在这里，以期抛砖引玉。求大家啦，写两句comment吧！加油的，砸砖的，猜测故事发展的都好。

Zhanna敲：关键时刻急刹车，严勋是个谦谦君子。
我问：象你吗？
Zhanna敲：理论上象我，但我没从来任何机会。
（注意Zhanna内心的慌乱，打字都语无伦次了。我们还得挖掘一下他的历史。）

狗发信说：“严勋觉得心里轻轻地一动，像是一个搭扣合上。”妙句！
“一转眼到了大五的下学期。”原来不是北大啊？
“多年以后，每当严勋回想起这一幕，总是惊异于自己的纯情，又好笑又好气。”Herethe last sentence starts our difference, yours is more realistic.
我说：你干吗不写到评论里去呢？

我问Rodent：严勋的举动合乎情理吗？
Rodent想想说：在那个年纪应该可能吧。

Auntie Sun问我：你这小说是源于生活，高于生活么？（做诡秘状）
我说：前面不是说了么，纯属编造，但欢迎对号入座。
Auntie Sun说：嗯，认识的人写的小说，大家肯定都会试图对号入座的。

我对YingDing说：有空去看看我的小说。
YingDing说：好啊，是什么类型的？爱情？武侠？
我说：应该算出国留学一代的伤痕文学吧。（YingDing嗯了一声，好像没听明白。）

真的喜欢你（３）

这之后的日子里是似乎没完没了的同学聚餐和出游，直到有一天嘎然而止。大学五年的同学们就此各奔东西。齐尚仪送严勋上了回家的火车。他们都很平静，甚至带着笑容，没有说什么感伤的话。未来象一张白纸在他们面前展开，他们决心要画最美的图画。

八月份严勋到了美国，第二天就去买了好几张电话卡，每天早上给齐尚仪打一个电话。他讲美国的见闻，她说工作的趣事，末了再说一些甜蜜的废话，两情缱绻，总能说上一个多小时。每次打完电话，严勋就想，离他们永远在一起，又近了一天。

可是寒假严勋却没能回国。他幸运地在自己喜欢的方向找到了一个年轻有进取心的导师，开始作一个有意思的项目，准备写篇论文，赶三月份的deadline。他想努力工作，希望能早点毕业。当他把这个消息告诉齐尚仪的时候，她明显有点不高兴，但也没有多说什么，只是说不回来也好，同事们邀请自己春节一起出去玩，现在看来可以答应他们了。严勋隐隐觉得有些不对劲，以前她对自己有意见的时候就会直截了当地说出来，可不是这样淡淡的。可是他自己心怀愧疚，也不好再说什么，于是这件事就这样过去了。

到了下学期，严勋更忙了。他和齐尚仪打电话渐渐找不到话题，说的不是今天在中国店买了白菜青菜，就是我想你我真的想你。他自己也能感觉到这语言的苍白无力。于是他们的电话先是质量下降，继而时间缩短，最后次数减少，改为一周一两次，一次五到十分钟了。

五月份，严勋投的论文被接受了，他的导师很高兴，替他找了一个跟着同领域的大牛做研究的暑期intern。严勋很激动，但有些顾虑。他还记得自己当时答应齐尚仪每个假期都回去，可这下要第二次食言了，怎么办？考虑再三，他还是觉得这样的好机会不能放弃。他准备好了一篇痛陈利害的说辞，打电话给齐尚仪。没想到的是她很爽快地就同意了，严勋感动得就差热泪盈眶了，发誓要做出一点成绩来，报答知遇之恩。

作完intern回到学校，已经是九月初了。严勋开始查询机票价格，准备圣诞节回国。一天他给齐尚仪打电话，打算汇报一下机票的行情让她来定日子，她却对他说，分手吧。

真的喜欢你（２）

接下来的一切都顺理成章，他们很快就成了一对情侣，整天出双入对。他们也常常和杨头张悦四个人一起出去玩，或者到齐尚仪家一起做饭吃，日子过得逍遥自在。

只要和齐尚仪在一起，严勋就觉得满足开心。可是他心里却有一件隐隐担心的事情。他早就打算要出国留学，已经考好了托福GRE，只等暑假就要开始申请学校，而齐尚仪却根本没有这个打算，她的父母朋友们都在北京，她从来也没有想过离开这个城市。一开始他们都尽量回避这个话题，总是觉得“还早”，可是快乐的时光实在过得太快，一转眼到了大五的下学期。三月份，严勋最想去的学校给他寄来了录取通知书，而齐尚仪的工作也敲定了，是一家著名的外企，条件很不错。

五一期间，齐尚仪的父母出去旅游，家里没人。杨头和张悦也走了，据说是去双方家里“见见父母”。有一天严勋和齐尚仪去逛自由市场，买了大包小包的东西准备回家做饭。他们俩肩并肩地走在两排肉菜摊子之间，低声商量晚上做什么吃，感觉仿佛是已经多年的夫妻一样。这一个瞬间就这样刻在严勋的记忆里，每次他回想起，耳边似乎还能听见小贩的吆喝声。他觉得伸出手去，就可以触摸到实实在在的幸福。

他们总共花了三个小时，做了八个菜，个个不重样。吃饱喝足之后，齐尚仪却忽然哭了。她的眼泪来得毫无预兆并且汹涌澎湃，让严勋一下就慌了手脚。她哭着说，下一次这样一起买菜做饭，不知道是什么时候了。严勋也有些难过，抱着她，轻轻地拍着她的背，安慰她说自己会每个假期都回来看她，读完学位就回国找一个教书的工作，然后他们就可以永远在一起了。齐尚仪哭了一会儿也就算了，毕竟他们还那么年轻，对于新生活的憧憬，冲淡了对离别的担忧。

他们一起坐在沙发上，看一部警匪片。看了不久，齐尚仪抱怨说自己满身的油烟味，要去洗个澡。她洗了二十分钟，出来时穿着一条短短的天蓝色睡裙。严勋听见门响一抬头，恰好看了个满眼，不由得怔住了。齐尚仪微微一笑，过来在他身边坐下，说：“今天天气挺热的，你出汗了吗？要不要也去冲一下？”严勋勉强摇了摇头，竟然说不出话来。

沉默。严勋平时和齐尚仪单独在一起的时候，沉默是安谧放松的，这次的沉默却如此不同。空气似乎凝滞住了一般，连呼吸也费力。严勋眼睛盯着电视屏幕，鼻端隐隐约约可以闻到她洗发水的香味，淡淡的象是茉莉。齐尚仪身上笼罩着一层水气，严勋只觉得靠近她的一侧脸发烫。他眼角的余光看见她湿漉漉的长头发一缕一缕地披在肩背上，把睡裙染出了几片深蓝色的水渍。她裸露在外面的手臂白皙光洁，看得见蓝色的细小静脉。他紧张得全身僵硬，动弹不得。她也不动也不说话，象是在期待着什么。他心里转过了无数个念头，既痛苦又甜蜜。电视里开始枪战，场面至为壮观，他茫然地盯着，却什么也没有看进去。这是他生命中最长的一个十五分钟。十五分钟以后，他终于找到了足够的力量，站起来说：“…我还是回宿舍去吧，太晚了。”齐尚仪没有反对，站起来送他到门口。严勋不敢看她，也不知道她是感到轻松还是失望。他飞快地骑着自行车离开了。多年以后，每当严勋回想起这一幕，总是觉得那一个时刻就预示了自己的一生。

真的喜欢你（１）

严勋坐了半个多小时的火车，又走了十分钟的路，回到家时，将近晚上十一点，妻子已经先睡下了。严勋洗了碗，坐在机器前面，顺手查了查Email。

大概有十几封新信，全是大学班级mailing list上的。今天上午发了封信，告诉大家自己要回北京工作一年，现在大概国内的同学起床了，都回信纷纷说着“太好了”、“聚餐吧”之类的话。大学里最好的朋友，外号叫杨头的，已经把聚餐的时间地点都定下来了。最后一封信是以往从来不发言的齐尚仪发来的，说“我也报名，两个人”。

严勋不大抽烟已经很久了。他在抽屉里翻找了一阵，总算找到大半包受潮的万宝路，走到阳台上，点着一支吸了一大口。那些长久不想，却偏偏难忘的记忆涌上心头。

十几年前，严勋还是一个身体单薄的少年，从南方考到北京读大学。大学的前三年里，他象这学校里百分之九十的男生一样没有女朋友。班上只有五个女生，上课的时候统统坐在前两排，下了课就回到离得老远的女生宿舍。严勋和她们的交流虽然不可谓不频繁，却是单向的：他平时仔细抄写她们的作业，考前认真阅读她们的笔记，对她们的字迹了如指掌。

严勋最爱抄的作业是北京女生齐尚仪的，可惜不是每次都抢得到。她用蓝黑墨水，字体遒劲丰润，显然练过书法。单看作业他就觉得她有些特别。当然，他并没有任何行动。谁追女孩子是为了她的字好看呢？这简直是笑话。何况他的生活也充实得很呢，他游泳，踢球，看小说，玩游戏。上铺杨头自从大三上学期和班上另一个女生张悦好上以后，简直天天忙得看不见人影。严勋觉得自己完全不需要一个麻烦的女朋友，天天陪她一起打饭上自习，浪费时间。

到了大四，事情忽然发生了些变化。年级里排演一个大型集体舞蹈，要求每个班派两对每周参加排练。严勋和齐尚仪就是一对。他们俩都有一点基础，很快就能配合默契。齐尚仪圆润的身体裹在无袖连衣裙里，藕一样的手臂老实不客气地让严勋支撑重量；除此之外，她身轻如燕，对严勋的每一个暗示都心领神会。这样排练了几次之后，说严勋没有一点想法是不可能的。

严勋天性比较懒，想法归想法，想想之后也就算了。没想到第五次排练结束之后，在一起回宿舍的路上，齐尚仪问严勋周末想不想去看一场电影。她语气很轻松。他想也没想地就答应了。这种好事情说不定一辈子也就遇上一次呢。

电影看完之后，严勋请齐尚仪去吃夜宵，算是余兴节目。饭桌上他们聊了很长时间，严勋发现齐尚仪是一个十分活泼开朗的女孩子，看着她明媚的笑容，严勋觉得心里轻轻地一动，像是一个搭扣合上。

也傍桑阴学种瓜

最近写杂七杂八的东西写得无聊，决定改写小说了。小段小段的写，今天晚上会上第一篇。

情节纯属虚构，欢迎对号入座。

田家典型对白

“恐怖死啦！你要不要看熊的头，没有皮的？”
“不要！”

元曲

前些天在图书馆借到一本《元曲选》。纽约图书馆的中文书质和量都不怎么样，且流动性大，因此只要见到一本感兴趣的，就不能错过。竖行本读得我好辛苦。书里收录的元曲按内容分类，有劝世、闲适、送别等等。翻了一遍，感觉是体裁所限，语言比较通俗，常常化用前人名句，总体来说缺乏新意。但也有几首引人注目的和大家分享。

王实甫《别情》
自别后遥山隐隐，更哪堪远水粼粼。见杨柳飞绵滚滚，对桃花醉脸醺醺。透内阁香风阵阵，掩重门暮雨纷纷。
怕黄昏忽地又黄昏，不销魂怎地不销魂？新啼痕压旧啼痕，断肠人忆断肠人！今春，香肌瘦几分，搂带宽三寸。

据说这是《西厢记》作者王实甫仅存的一首散曲。一眼看上去就被那一句紧似一句的“怕黄昏忽地又黄昏，不销魂怎地不销魂？新啼痕压旧啼痕，断肠人忆断肠人”打动。这几句真是浑然天成，让我这个记忆力极度衰退的人也过目成诵。前面的六句工整固然工整，不知为什么读起来总觉得不顺口，也难背得多。我最近觉得应该用是否能使人产生背诵的欲望作为评判古诗文高下的标准，不知道有没有道理？另外又想起我还没有看过《西厢记》呢，应该快去补补课。

还有一首是贾固的【中吕·醉高歌过红绣鞋】《寄金莺儿》

乐心儿比目连枝，肯意儿新婚燕尔。画船开，抛闪的人独自，遥望关西店儿。
黄河水流不尽心事，中条山隔不断相思。当记得，夜深沉，人静悄，自来时。来时节三两句话，去时节一篇诗，记在人心窝儿里直到死。

第一眼见，被最后一句吸引了注意力。把它读给大家听，大家齐齐说“啊～哟”，作受不了状。我想这种意思，是人人心中所有的；但这种说法，却又是他人笔下所无的。这常见的意思用最通俗的语言写出来，比起文绉绉的“刻骨铭心”之类的说法，杀伤力特别的大。

再仔细读读这首曲子，又读出了不同的味道来。据说作者在山东作官时和妓女金莺儿相好，后来调任陕西的时候，写了这首曲子送给她。从“画船开，抛闪的人独自，遥望关西店儿”看得出是用女方口吻写的。这位官老爷，夜深人静的时候摸到妓女家里，急煎煎地没说上三两句话，便要如何如何，过后文思倒也泉涌，急就一篇质量不知怎样的诗，自己拍拍屁股走了，还硬要别人“记在人心窝儿里直到死”，也真恬不知耻。据说他因这首曲子丢了官，我可不同情。

阿猫学语

最近阿猫的语言能力有所提高，面对大人的斥责时，竟也可以大声争辩，令人怒极反笑。

在罗马时，阿猫坐在车里无聊，妈妈把一本导游书给他拿着。未几，发现他将书的封底地图撕坏。爸爸呵斥他“这样怎么可以？！”，他便皱起眉头，忿忿然答道：“妈妈给！”

前两天阿猫发烧，晚上睡觉前要吃红色和无色的两种药，每种两滴管。吃了一滴管的无色药水之后，阿猫拒绝吃第二滴管。爸爸教育他“阿猫要吃药的，吃白药药”，他就说“No!”，如是者三。爸爸声调渐高，阿猫突然用同样凶恶的语调嚷道：“阿猫吃、红药药！”我们同时一愣，想笑又怕有损父母的威严。庞庞又重复了一遍“阿猫吃白药药！”，阿猫叫起来：“妈妈说！”，我实在忍不住了，大笑起来。也不知道他的意思是让我来作裁判呢，还是说我昨天晚上是先给他吃的红药药。依我的意思，用朝三暮四的法子，给他先吃了红药药就是了。但是庞庞要建立威信，遂让阿猫去一边站到肯吃白药药了为止。大概三分钟。

平常阿猫不肯吃饭的时候，说一声“妈妈吃”，阿猫立刻就说“阿猫吃！”，最近这招却快要不灵了。前天洗完澡，要给他脸上涂油他不让，我说“爸爸涂油油”，阿猫想了想，说“爸爸、不涂、油油！”，阿猫学会了否定句式，今后的日子不得了了。

I wish I knew how to quit you

看了断背山快两个月了，终于打起精神来写一篇感想，不容易呀。

因为题材的关系，我对情节非常好奇。首先关心的是两个人的关系怎样才能达到那种高度。本来以为也和咱们异性恋一样，会从说话越来越多，相处的时间越来越多发展下去，没想到人家看上去根本没有量变就直接质变了。吃惊之余，想想又觉得也合乎情理。这种禁忌的关系是没有公认的程序的，何况他们俩都是不擅言词的人。激情压抑在心里，爆发出来的时候格外惊人。帐篷里的一场戏，我开始还以为Ennis勃然大怒，要和Jack打架呢。

两位主人公刚出场时，我拿不定主意谁是“男”，谁是“女”。等看到Ennis打到一头麋鹿，Jack连声称赞的时候就知道了。自古以来打猎就是男人的活计。果不其然。

看到他们分手的时候，我心痛如绞。异性恋中该泪如雨下的场景，他们却恶狠狠地打一架了事。强忍悲伤，装作若无其事地道别之后，Ennis在小巷中跪了下来，以拳头击墙，发出象是哭，又象是呕吐的声音。他真象海明威笔下的那些硬汉。

接下来是十二年的聚少离多，终于他们争执了起来。当我听到Jack的一句"There ain't never enough time, never enough!"时，耳边嗡的一声，突然猛省到其实Jack的性格就和自己一模一样。天真的软弱的深情的痴缠的Jack。恼恨却又依依不舍的Jack。他说："I wish I knew how to quit you"。

Jack死了。我的眼泪开始自由地流淌。我的眼泪是很廉价的东西，每一本爱情小说都可以赚到几滴。不过这次，是真的荡气回肠。象看到黛玉之死，象看到高加林和刘巧珍的分手。

Ennis带走了Jack和自己的染着血的衬衣，还把里外调换了一下。这是否象征着他接受了Jack的多情？

想起一首词，虽然有些不伦不类，还是放在这里：

尊前一曲歌。歌里千重意，才欲歌时泪已流，恨应更、多於泪。
试问缘何事。不语如痴醉。我亦情多不忍闻，怕和我、成憔悴。

女朋友

女人所说的女朋友，就是指女性朋友。现在时兴这么说，既亲密，又暧昧，合乎群众的口味。

几年以前我曾经买过一本名叫《女朋友珍藏》（The Girlfriends Keepsake Book）的英文小书送给怀芝， 书的开头有一段话，大意是说，女人的生活中男人来来去去，而女朋友却总是在那里。在男人离去了的时候，可以伏在她们的肩头哭泣。这话很朴实，也很有道理。 虽然女人的喜怒哀乐，９９％是由生命中的男人操纵的，可是女朋友却像水和空气，缺少了她们，女人会慢慢枯萎。我很幸运，有不少女朋友，以后会一一作文纪念。

有一个古老的辩论题目，就是异性之间究竟存不存在真正的友谊。我小时候天真，觉得当然有；后来愤世嫉俗，觉得压根没有；再后来心平气和，觉得是可以有的，就是状态很不稳定。下面把我的原创理论介绍一下。

我懒得画图，就请读者充分发挥空间想象力，听我描述一个坐标系。Ｘ轴代表两个人关系的密切程度，从左到右是“点头之交”、“普通朋友”、“好朋友”、“密友”、“恋人”，Ｙ轴则代表每个状态的势能。

对于异性之间的关系，这条曲线类似于一个脉冲信号，在“密友”处达到最大值。在这最大值的左边，从“普通朋友”到“好朋友”再到“密友”，是一段斜率极大的上坡。在这陡峭险峻的坡上，那真是逆水行舟，不进则退。过了最大值，右边可就是一落千丈的悬崖了。到了这份上，你真是不跳下去都不好意思。怎么样？要呆在最大值困难吧？据笔者观察，多少天真的有志青年，不信这个邪，努力攀登的结果大半是粉身碎骨，万劫不复；小半是从陡坡上倒着滑了回去，前功尽弃。能在最高处一览众山小的，几希矣。

再说同性之间的关系。从“普通朋友”到“好朋友”要过一个小坎，但在此之后就进入了一个美妙的盆地。最右边有一道绝壁，不是天赋异禀就过不去，因此可以略去不谈。

比较一下就知道，要交一个异性好友，需要莫大的精力（向右的力）和毅力（向左的力），时刻战战兢兢，使用一个延迟极短的负反馈系统方能成功。交一个同性好友，只需要开头稍稍用力，后来就可以高枕无忧。这是自然规律。试想让你一手拿一块强力磁铁，保持南北极距离为一毫米，问你手抖不抖？

何况异性朋友谈话，固然彬彬有礼兼且妙趣横生，惜乎有一个致命的弱点，就是传递信息的带宽大不了。这是男女截然不同的兴趣思维心理造成的，似乎没什么办法。

再补一句，大家行走江湖的时候，如果见到号称自己的朋友大多是异性的人，千万小心。他们多半精力过人，一般人降伏不了。

不许人间见白头

一个女人如果生具美貌，乃是天大的资本。尤其是在古代，这和科举之于男人一样，几乎是唯一的进身之阶。男人凭文章，朝为田舍郎，暮登天子堂；女人靠艳色，朝为越溪女，暮作吴宫妃。社会地位的改变极其迅速。

做一个有名的美女，好处之多自不待言，但是也有些不妙的地方不可不知。得意的时候被捧得越高，失意的时候就被踩得越重。即使有幸活到了晚年，如果没有一笔积蓄，还要出来抛头露面的话，简直就要传为笑谈。

最近看书，看到写李师师的一首（刘子翚《汴京纪事》）：

辇毂繁华事可伤，师师垂老过湖湘。镂金檀板今无色，一曲当年动帝王。

令人叹息。又读叶兆言的《杂花生树》，其中提到名妓赛金花年老时的一首诗：

含情不忍诉琵琶，几度低头掠鬓鸦。多谢山东韩主席，肯持重币赏残花。

据说是写给韩复榘的。我在网上查了一查，关于“重币”有两种说法，一说一百大洋（“赛金花老矣，谁复见问？蒙齐鲁大帅韩主席不弃旧情，慷慨解囊，赏洋百元，不胜铭感，谨呈七绝一章，用申谢忱”），一说十元纸币（不知道是什么来历）。

按叶兆言的意思，赛金花这诗前两句还好，后两句就不成样子，很是鄙俗。他用这个作为例子，论证妓女的文化水平不高，很多作品只怕都是文人捉刀代笔的。我的看法倒有所不同，我觉得一个经历丰富的名妓能写出“肯持重币赏残花”的话来，至少说明她很有幽默感，能自嘲。这种品质弥足珍贵。假如可作一个年少多金的才子，生活在有名妓的年代，岂不快哉？

又及，今日是春分，昼夜等长。最近不知为何对节气感兴趣起来。

Mature and polite

Context: Gou and Var were asked to give a ride each to Auntie Sun this morning, for her doctor's visit.

(14:35:00) z: and the pickups are fine?
(14:35:54) Y: yeah, very smooth. var even got there before I called him. thx a lot :)
(14:36:24) z: xixi
(14:36:56) Y: one thing is that they both talk and behave very mature and polite, not like when u were there :p
(14:37:01) Y: u r some stimulator :p
(14:37:07) z: what does that mean?!
(14:37:23) Y: can stimulate inner part of a person :p
(14:37:29) z: faint
(14:37:41) z: they are both mature and polite people to begin with!
(14:38:08) Y: yeah, that's what i'm saying, u can have ppl express their true natural feeling and behavior :p
(14:38:38) z: i mean, how are their behaviors not mature and polite when I'm there?
(14:39:21) Y: i'm not saying they r not mature and polite, it's just not the same, more free style :p
(14:39:40) z: :D
(14:40:01) z: so which style is better?
(14:40:19) Y: freeeeee!
(14:40:21) Y: haha

Rome Trip Day Four: March 8 2006

We got up at 7am again, and went to the same place for breakfast. Our mental capacity for surprises, nice or nasty, is small at the beginning of the day. Adventures can wait till later.

We took bus #571 to Piazza Venezia, "the heart of Rome". We are now looking at Vittoria, "Altar of the Nations", squarely in the facade. This is a striking piece of architecture. Rising from the ground, more than 200 steps of long wide stairs led us up Monte Capitoline. I noticed this structure on our first day, standing outside of the Colosseo. I had repeatedly asked R what it was, but he didn't know either. All of the tour books avoided mentioning it, even though it's right next to the heart of Rome. The few references we found called it a "monstrosity" and nicknamed it "typewriter". It was built at the beginning of last century. I guess it is just too new to be less controversial. I myself love it. If the Roman don't want it, let's move it to Jersey City.

By the way, since the wheelchair access in Rome is disappointing, we have now perfected our technique of carrying the stroller up and down long flights of stairs. The cobblestone streets of Rome are also trying on the stroller, but it happened to be made in Italy: it withstands the torture so well that it appears to be designed with the surface condition in mind.

Because of the road conditions, very few women wear stiletto heels in Rome. I've only seen 3 such brave souls in 4 days.

There are also very few babies to be seen out and about. This is very different from the US.

We went into Musei Capitoline, a big museum by Roman standard. I saw the smallest elevator ever. The two of us and Max's stroller barely fit into it. It had 3 doors and a large mirror on the fourth wall, presumably to create the illusion of a larger space. Counting of floors starts from 0 in Rome, very C-style.

I felt very tired and sat down on some steps. I put my forehead on my knees and slept for 10 minutes. Before we left the museum, we stood on a terrace with a nice sweeping view of Foro Romano, the Roman Forum.

We walked into Trastevere for lunch. It's a sunny day. We went to Lana, the one that was closed on the second day. We finally get to order the famous Code Alla Vaccinara, or ox tail in tomato sauce. It was so good that I vowed to eat it at least 5 times in the rest of the trip.

We walked back to Foro Romano and wandered in it. The ruins were lovely, but pushing a stroller around was very hard. At about 4:30, we left and went to Fortana di Trevi, a grandiose sight but a little crowded. We taught Max to threw a coin into the fountain, thus ensuring his return to Rome, Why didn't the two of us throw coins? I don't know.

We then visited two churches. one baroque, one gothic. We had "the best cappuccino in Rome" at Cafe Eustachio, Two cups each. It's the best and the cheapest cappuccino I've ever had. Only Euro1.3. I bet they take tremendous pride in that fact.

We wanted traditional food for dinner and decided to sweeten the expectation with a long walk to Testaccio, "an up and coming neighborhood". We arrived at the restaurant of chose at 8pm. It was totally empty. R wondered what this meant, but we were informed by a cook that the place is all booked. We went to another one in the "top 10 restaurants" list, and was told to come back at 10:30. We reread the list and found that 4 were on the same road, so we went there. The road is in a shape of a big "U", around a hill. the neighbourhood seemed deserted. There were some bars, but not opened yet. We tried everyone of the four, but none of them have a table for us. All booked. How could they be so popular? After a frustrating 10 minutes of walking, finally we got to the other end of the road. In despair, I went into a random restaurant and asked for a table. They had one for us. We were grateful, but suspicious at the same time. They turned out to be not a traditional restaurant, offering no pasta or ox tail. When I was totally full, I stared at the door and read the restaurant name again. I realized it's also one of the top 10. We had initially ruled it out since it offers "mostly pastry-based items". This fact helped heal my trauma.
Later we learned that the deserted road would become the liveliest nightlife scene in a few hours. No wonder all the restaurants near it were booked, and the reservations were for a late hour.

We took #3 bus home. R was eager to learn the outcome of the Champion's League games. The most important one was between AC Milan and Byron Munich. When I started to try to make a prediction, he bursted into laughter. He said one team is going to have bad luck now. So I said something vague. I said Byron would score at least one goal.

After we got off the bus, we went into the neighborhood cafe to buy some croissants. The radio is very loud. Passionate but incomprehensible Italian commenting on the game. The owner of the cafe, with surprisingly good English, told us "Milan four to one! It is too much!" Italians are so modest.

Rome Trip Day Three: March 7 2006

R set the alarm clock to 7am this time, and we got up on time. We took showers. Speaking of showers, I have a few complaints. First of all, the only mirror in the apartment is one foot by one foot, and hung so high that I can see my whole face only if I stand on my toes. To make things worse, the only light in the bathroom comes from behind my back when I look into the mirror. This lighting is flattering in the same way webcams are flattering. It makes every mole/acne scar/broken capillary/early wrinkle/enlarged pore on my face disappear, magic airbrush it is. Of course, there is also no way to tell whether my sunblock was applied unevenly and left white streaks on my face. I could also ask R, but R might be even more unreliable than the Magic Mirror.

Not that I still cared about my appearance. Assuming warmer weather, I had only brought a coat and a few long sleeve sweaters, none of which is thick. Now on the third day of our expedition, I'm wearing 2 of those sweaters, then an oversized sweater of R's, finally the coat. The coat, cut for a smaller waistline, developed a crease at each of the 3 large buttons. I just couldn't become concerned about it. My awareness of fashion is slipping quickly under the cold.

I remember after spending my first winter in Beijing, I told my friend Yin Li that on a day out, I'd be perfectly content if I had three things:
1. enough clothing to keep my warm - preferably a huge down jacket
2. enough cash in my pockets for the day's activities - always being able to take a taxi and have a quick retreat
3. enough facial tissue so that I wouldn't be embarrassed by my runny nose, which is a given out on a cold windy day.
Now 12 years later, my needs have been reduced to the same three things.

We went to the nearby grocery store. In a place I least expected it, we found DanActive, my favorite drink. We also bought some prosciutto. The best one cost Euro32 per kg. After the shopping, I went into the "bar" (same as cafe) next door with Max. R took our loot back to the apartment and joined us later. When you have a toddler in tow, most things in life become more complicated.

We took a bus to Vatican. There was no need for the map, because the St. Peters' majestic edifice was visible from 3 blocks away. There was a queue for security check. The stroller wasn't allow in St. Peters, so Max walked with us.

I don't know where I got the idea that climbing the dome of St. Peters with a kid would be fun. Probably they didn't mean a 2 year old kid. The stairs are in a spiral around the dome. Max walked the first 1/4, R carried him for the next 1/4. These were very easy. Then the spiral tightens. For a while the stairs are in a 2 meter diameter cylinder, curling steeply up. It felt like forever. The first lookout was at the base of the dome, looking inside. It made me appreciate the scale of things. The final lookout was near the top of the dome, looking outside. The view is great. We set up the tripod and took a few photos of the whole family. Some of those had only the sky as the background, so it's hard to tell where we were.

We went down and went inside the basilica. We were exhausted after the climb with Max. After some more sightseeing, we exited St. Peters and went to lunch. The place is targeted towards tourists, with English-speaking waiter and bad food.

The Sistine Chapel appears to be right next to St. Peters from the map. In reality, they make you walk outside and around the walls of Vatican for 15 minutes to the entrance of the Vatican Museum, which leads to the Chapel. This time it's the tripod that's not allowed. We checked it at the entrance. The exhibits were a little overwhelming. They have too many things for their space. Max had a peaceful nap in the quiet and dim Sistine Chapel. He looked like an angel. I sat on the bench and enjoyed the priceless moment. Energetic R walked around, trying to figure out which structures on the roof were fake.

We exited Sistine Chapel and found us in the same place after the St. Peters visit. We were confused for a minute. The passageways in Vatican are like a cow's digestive system in reverse. Anyway, we ended up nearer our next destination, so we were not complaining. That is, until R remembered his tripod was still checked at the entrance of the Vatican Museum. Some more walking around the walls.

We then walked to Castle Sant'angelo. The mere sight of some tourists standing on a platform high above the ground gave me muscle cramps. We decided to come back another day.

We crossed the river and took a nice stroll on Via Condotti, the 5th Ave of Rome. A lot of high fashion brands are there. We went into the LV store, just to check it out. It was crowded. 90% of the customers are Asian. Our stereotype was confirmed. We went to a famous cafe, Antico Caffe Greco, a "premier literacy cafe since 1760", just to get warm and kill some time.

We walked all the way to the Spanish Steps, a long flight of stairs leading into Villa Borghese. From there, we went north into Piazza del Popolo, "people's square". On our way to dinner, I saw a shop for socks and stocking, and bought 4 pairs. It's my first fashion purchase in Rome, and probably the last. I was just not in the mood. Maybe next time, when Max is not in tow, and I weigh 5 pounds less.

Dinner was at Edy. The food was good but not outstanding. We took the metro home.

My favorite soccer club, Juventus, was trailing 0-1 in the Champion's League match against Werder Brema when we got home. Magically, they scored 2 goals and advanced. This is a perfect day after all.

Rome Trip Day Two: March 6 2006

We woke up at a few minutes before noon. The babysitter had been polite, she didn't come down to knock on our door. R quickly got dressed and went to the bank we saw yesterday. I stayed at home with Max. After a long time R came back with bad news: the bank did have favorable rates (1.21), but the machine was broken. They didn't know when it can be fixed. R was given directions to one after another bank, each of which either did not offer the service, or had broken machines. It was like a linked list of bad nodes. We were frustrated. Nothing works. We are feeling the cultural shock now. Having lived in both China and the US, it's hard to imagine a place where many aspects of life are harder than both places. We uttered a few unkind words about Rome.

R did find a pharmacy (called "Farmacia" and marked by a green cross here), which sold him 4 bus tickets. Our new plan is to go to the change place across the Colosseo again, and then go on to lunch. We exchanged another $100, and took #3 bus across the Tiber river into Trastevere. We were walking on a random street, and R saw a bank. He went in and had a lengthy talk with the teller. I got hopeful. However when he came out, he didn't make an exchange. He thought the rate (1.2355 plus Euro5 fee) is too high. I told him this is the best "working rate", so he went back in and make a transaction. Yes! Now we can cross out "cash" from our list of worries.

We walked past a small grocery store and bought some oranges and strawberries. Peeling the oranges with numb cold fingers was not fun, but the oranges themselves tastes good.

Finally we arrived at the restaurant I picked: "La Tana dei Noiantri", whose "lengthy menu promises all the best of Roman cuisine". I was so excited, but they are closed: it's already 3:05pm. We tried another cafe nearby. The kitchen was closed. I could cry. It's a cloudy, cold, windy day, with a high of 48F. (The average high for this time in Rome is 60F.)

The next cafe was open. The heating was really turned up. We settled into comfortable seats. I sweared I could sit there for the whole day. Five drinks and four sandwiches (only cost Euro17.5, trastevere is a cheap neighborhood) later, we felt our HP and MP were full again. With renewed stamina and courage, we left the cafe.

Speaking of our list of worries, right then the top one was called "power supply". Before our departure R bought an adapter, but it didn't fit the outlets in our apartment. The two cylinders on our adapter were too thick for the outlets. Now as we wandered in the streets, R found a lamp shop. The owner told us that our adapter is "German format" and sold us an adapter that converts German style to Italian style. Our luck had turned. Thinking about the unexpected internet connection at our apartment (the owners didn't mention it at all, but we read about it in the guestbook, and sure enough there's an unconspicuous grey cable in a corner), I felt excited. I could write my blog while in Rome!

We walked for some more. We visited the Pantheon and the Piazza Navona. Both are huge and grand. The Pantheon is particularly impressive. I couldn't imagine how the huge dome could have been built nearly 1900 years ago. It has remained the largest dome until last century. R set up his tripod in the large open space in Piazza Navona, to take a few pictures of the fountain in twilight. I hid in an alley with Max from the harsh wind.

Having learn the lesson the day before, we arrived at Lilli, a restaurant "run by an ex-footballer", a little after 7pm. However its doors were locked. Two local women told us that it didn't open until 8pm(!), and pointed us to another restaurant. We ate two plates of proscuito, drank red wine, had lamb, pork, and pasta. We left satiated. After a short stroll, we got on an bus and went home.

Rome Trip Day One: March 5 2006

Time in Rome is precious, so I'll just put down some random items. I will expand, polish, and spellcheck on them later.

Flight left EWR at 5:35pm. Arrived in Rome at 7:50am. The flight is true to its "redeye" description, since an energetic Max kept all of us awake for except about 2 hours. Fimiucino (?) airport was practically deserted since it's so early in the morning of a Sunday. Passport control was slow but we picked the fastest lane, which felt much better than the reverse scenario. Everything is relative.

At the currency conversion point, R remembered a tip in a tour book: rates will be much better in the banks. So we only converted $100. The rate was 1.293 and we only got Euro $69 instead of 77. We didn't notice until much later. Probably the first mistake was we converted too little money. Later in the city, all the banks were closed on Sundays, and a BestWestern Hotel clerk refused to make the conversion for us - guests only. Gosh, you would think they lose money in these conversions! With a gap of 10% between buy and sell prices!

The second mistake: we didn't take a taxi, since it's not recommended in tour books. Also our apartment is within one block of a metro station. So we took the express train from the airport to Termini-$9 per person. Took metro line A for 2 stops, and happily arrived at Manzoni - not. Why is this station called S. Giovanni?? Isn't it the next stop? Oh right, Stationze Manzoni is closed from Jan 30 to Dec this year. And our hostess failed to update the description, in which this is a big selling point? Oh well. We'll just walk. It's only half a mile. But it started to rain.

We found our apartment easily, but the hostess, who speaks English, is away. Her babysitter greeted us pleasantly, but in Italian only. We managed to communicate to her that we will pay our rent at 10am the next morning. It's 11:30am, we were tired and hungry. I almost fell asleep in the bed, but hunger prevented that. Then we started looking for a place for lunch. Most restaurants are closed on Sundays, half of the rest don't open for lunch. We finally settled for Ai Tre Scalini, a restaurant near Colosseo. Restaurants near archaeological sites have bad reputations, but this is supposed to be "a nice surprise". It is not. The food is tepid, the heating is not on. The service is rude. The price is not cheap. They made a mistake about R's secondi. We left a 10% tip, which is supposed to mean "you suck", but later learned that 10% is the norm.

We walked to the Colosseo. It's huge and impressive. Sadly it's too windy and cold in the large open space. I don't have any energy to go on. We left without going inside. We found a place with a sign "Change", and converted $100 to Euro $80, hoping it would last us till Monday.

On our way back we found that we were walking past the St. Clemente Church. We went in, I lit a candle for Max, as I did in Montreal. This is a tiny tea light for 25 cents. That one was a huge pillar for Can$4. We paid Euro5 each for going down into the old churches. We left the stroller at the ticket office. The underground churches are on two levels and are amazing. I was reminded of the Mummy movies. When we were on the upper level, one hand appeared slowly from behind a grate low near the ground. It waved and disappeared, then came out again. I was spooked. When we went to the lower level, R found the place the guy must have been hiding. It was a flight of stairs leading to a claustrophobic space. What if he turns around and found out the way was blocked? R laughed and said I read too much Dean Koontz.

We walked back to our aparment. After a brief rest, we decided to walk to a restaurant called "Al 34" for dinner. The walk took 40 minutes. The restaurant is in a nice area with lots of big name brand shops. The restaurant itself doesn't open until 7pm, that's too late for us. We settled for a bar next to it called "Shaki". It's also on the tour books (does that mean anything?) The prosciutto panini I had was great. We happened to be sitting next to two couple who are also going to the AS Roma-Inter Milan game. We left at 7pm to catch a bus that goes to Stadio Olimpico, only that we couldn't find a place that sells bus tickets. We blindly ran around, finally found a taxi stop - unlike Chinese majoy cities and NYC, taxis are hard to come by in Rome.

After some confusion about where the "Will Call" place is, finally we got our tickets and entered the stadium at 8:15pm, 15 minutes before the match. We had to collapse the stroller and take it with us. It's really hard to stuff all of our stuff, and Max into the tiny 2 seats we've got. Luckily (for the first time) we were sitting at one end of the row, so R sat on the stairs. Roma fans are very passionate. They chanted and threw loud crackers at the greatly outnumbered Inter Milan fans. When the names of the players were announced, they whistled and shrieked to mask the guest team's names, and yelled "Ole(?)" after each Roma player's name. Poor Inter Milan.

Roma made a goal very early in the game, and kept the advantage for 80 minutes. When there's 3 minutes left, I saw some people leaving early to beat the traffic. I asked R if we should do the same. He said no - what if Inter Milan makes a goal at the last minute? They are good at that. So they did, and the Roma fans were stunned, but they were gracious enough - didn't throw anything.

We left at 10:40pm amid the crowd, planning to talk a long walk to one metro station. Halfway there it started to rain. We decided to take a taxi instead (good judgment call, later we learned that the metro line A stops running at 9:30pm), but couldn't find a taxi stop. Somebody told us to take a bus. There is a bus terminal nearby, but we didn't have bus tickets. They showed us a ticket vending machine. Only it's malfunctioning and we didn't know - somebody wrote "guasto" on it, but how are we supposed to know it meant "bad" in Italian? Now it's 11:30, and the damn machine ate our last $2 coin. The light rain went off and on. We were in despair, and a Chinese woman, sitting on a bus whose driver hasn't showed up yet, came to our rescue. She produced 2 tickets like a magic, and graciously accepted all the small changes we are left with - less than $2. We then boarded a wrong bus, luckily she knew where we were going and got us off it. She then tried calling a taxi for us on her cellphone, but finally our bus- No.70 came. It's the last one. The services stop at midnight. So we got onto it and got off at a stop closest to our aparment - still a 15 minute walk away. An error in map reading made it a 20 minute walk. The suddenly heavy rain at the last 5 minutes made our day ( we only had one umbrella).

We got home, cold, hungry again, and half wet. The only lucky thing was that hot water in our apartment works - after the long day our expectations of Rome dropped really low. There is no bathtub, only a shower. Max is scared of the shower, so he refused to stand on the floor. He spent the whole time in the shower in our arms. Mostly mine. A naked slippery 30lb baby holding on to you so tightly like a monkey, yelling everytime the water hits him directly. I know this will become the sweetest memory, in time, but when is the question.

Exhausted, we went to bed. The mattress wasn't in its best form. I can tell its coil count isn't that high, either. But I was beyond worrying about it. We set the alarm clock to 8am, but we woke up at 11:53am. We had broken the promise to the babysitter.

Chance

After I arrived in Austin, I checked into a random room in Hilton.

One day later, I bought a few postcards. I went back to my hotel room to write them, only to realize that I didn't have Dog's address. So I called him up and asked for it.

I was sitting in Room 1556, Zip 78701, and he told me he was at home: 1556B, Zip 08817.

估值函数

所谓萝卜青菜，各有所爱，不同女性对男性的估值函数有很大的差别，这一点毋庸讳言。这样的意义也是显而易见的：更多的女性可以寻找到在自己的估值函数下接近于最大值的伴侣，从而提高了总体满意度和社会安定性。 至于这个命题反过来是否成立，因为本人性别所限，不敢妄下结论，就留给读者作习题。

然而女性和男性作为两个群体，对女性的估值函数相差之大，令我感到不解。即以最近大家观赏的电视剧DH为例，里面塑造了好几个虽然夸张，但具有典型性的女性形象：
仪态高雅、厨艺精湛，病态地喜爱整洁，压抑自己的喜怒哀乐，冷冰冰的Bree
天生丽质、风情万种，极度自我中心，不考虑丈夫感受，从物质中寻求安慰的Gabrielle
果断老练、足智多谋，事业成就上超过丈夫，却一度不得不在家照看四个孩子的Lynette
懵懂迷糊、优柔寡断，在处理和男人的关系上极其被动，常常需要女儿的忠告的Susan
穿着暴露、出言直率，毫不敏感害羞，虽然不受其他女性欢迎，却也自得其乐的Edie
盼子心切、性格冲动，为了留住不属于自己的孩子，赔上别人自己两条性命的Mary Alice

如果问一个女人她愿意当哪一个角色，只怕很少会有人选Susan。对于我来说，除了Mary Alice，最不想当的就是Susan。只要看看她的各种表现就知道了：
前夫Karl抛弃了她，却不断游刃有余地出现在她的生活中，常常骗得她晕头转向...
她喜欢上某个男性的时候，一开始呆头呆脑，继而患得患失，常常有些不得当的举动，甚至把Edie的房子烧掉...
她明明知道男友急于寻找儿子，却自私地将Zach支开，当事情暴露时，又不能接受自己行为带来的后果，穿着母亲的婚纱，追到大街中间放声大哭...
不胜枚举。我每次一看到有关她的情节，就常常念叨“傻啊，丢死人了”云云，都快成祥林嫂了。
要照我说，当女人还是要当Gabrielle：容貌第一，娶老婆不妨娶Bree：美食要紧。Lynette在两方面都可排个第二。（至于这两方面为什么标准不同，也值得讨论。）

没想到啊没想到，居然Var和Rodent都说Susan最好（虽然他们强调是相比之下）。这真令我大跌隐形眼镜。为什么我们的估值函数相差这么远呢？按自然选择，适者生存的道理，估值函数和男性相近的女性，应该有更多的追求者，从而可以挑选最强者延续自己的基因。这么多代下来，人类的估值函数也该收敛了吧？

可能的原因有：
1. 男女双方有一方口是心非。男性不按自己的估值函数寻找伴侣，或者女性不按自己的估值函数塑造自己。
2. 对于男性来说，找一个出色的伴侣，不如找一个比较没有主意，永远不会威胁自己自尊的伴侣重要。而女性不希望处于劣势，因此两者函数不同。
3. 与男性不同，受欢迎的女性和不受欢迎的女性后代数目差别不大，因而函数无法收敛。
4. 估值函数不遗传，女儿的估值函数和母亲的不相关，或者她们在男性估值函数里的取值不相关。（庞庞指出）

到底为什么呢？

二月初二龙抬头

晚上出去吃饭，天还没有全黑。一抬头，看见天上低低的挂着一弯新月。这真是最新的月了，极细极细的一条弧线，精巧地嵌在树影之间。回到房间一查农历，今天恰好是二月初二龙抬头，传说中黄帝的生日。想我平常一个月也不会注意到一次月亮的圆缺，今天可真凑巧。

在网上google了一下二月初二，又意外地发现昨天二月初一是中和节。以前只听说过这个名字，具体什么时候，怎样过并不清楚。现在找到一些说法：

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农历二月初一，是中和节，这个节始于唐德宗元五年（公元789年）。《新唐书·李泌传》中有明确的记载。这一天，皇帝要仿周代的礼仪，举行耕种的仪式，百官进献农书，以示务本；民间以青囊盛百谷瓜果种子互相赠送；人们酿宜春酒祭祀勾芒神，祈求丰年。无论是朝廷还是民间，都要饮酒，大概含有农闲时已过去，紧张、繁忙的春耕春播时节已经来临，大家鼓劲迎接一个好年成之意。
中和节，延续到清代，逐渐被人淡忘，今天已没有人过这个节了。
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Var这个二十八岁的生日，讲究还真多。又是狂欢，又是春耕的，是不是有什么预兆啊？